Growing Up

Old fiends grow
All friends grow up
Young friends grow tall
Old friends grow wise
Weak friends grow distant
Strong friends grow close
Some friends grow up too quickly
Some friends don't grow up at all
So old friends
This is where we start growing up.

Happy Valntines Day... right?

Waiting
Sweet anticipation
Listening to love whisper
Listening to love laugh
Listening to love taunt
And beckon
And wait
For me? Or for you?
I sit and I whisper
I sit and I laugh
I sit and am taunted
You beckon
I wait
For my move?
Or yours?

Good Morning.

He was laying on my brother's bed. He always found the worst places to show up for me, and the worst times. I was so frustrated with the paper I was supposed to be writing that I would have been upset at anybody for bothering me. But him? Of all people, the one who could really grind my bones together and make me break? I booted up the computer and made a beeline for the door. He asked for a beer on the way back. Great. I'm barely back in my own house one day and already I'm getting him a beer. Hallucinations aren't supposed to be drunks too.
"I'm not a drunk," he mentioned. I quickly made my way to the stairs. I went for the first thing I could get my hands on - ibuprofen. Wolfing a couple down usually gave me enough umph to handle the kid in my brother's room. He wasn't much older than me, but I had a feeling he was ready to prove just how much more he knew - he'd start an argument right away, about anything. Something big in the pit of my stomach told me it would be my term paper. He sat up expectantly when I walked back in the room, and scowled when I tossed him a diet coke. I immediately sat at my computer and hit the "Stumble" button.
"Don't you have a paper to write?"
"Yes."
"Shouldn't you be... writing it?" A nag. Always a nag.
"Please wake up and check the clock," I said. "My brother and I watched Superman. I'll work on my paper in the morning."
"School's starting soon."
"So's your execution." He laughed at that, a laughter that reminded me of the time that I actually enjoyed having him around, when I thought it was romantic and special to have a man no one else could see follow you. Now he was a pest. He had even stopped trying to kiss me. His laughter was soon drowned out by a swish and a fizz, and the springs of my brother's bed sighed as he lay back down. "I've missed you, Char."
Here he goes again. Why's he always coming back? Because he misses me. "I heard that," he said.
"You see me enough," I expelled coldly, hoping he could hear the horrible, nasty words that were going through my head. He didn't talk for a long time. I was emersed in a fiction blog when he finally continued the conversation, and it took a few tries for him to get my attention.
"You know it's not seeing you I miss," he said. "Your thoughts used to be so pure, so funny. I could wrap myself up in them and be the happiest person alive." I rolled my eyes. "I miss the sweet you. Without the thoughts of hatred and without the stupid stuff you got yourself into. You think you're the shit now cause you're in college? From what I see, you've thrown it all away and you went down some path I don't want to follow you down." I was standing at the side of the bed. "Don't lose me, Char."
"You're the reason." I sat down and emptied the last sip of his diet coke. "I'd prefer to know why I had you. Maybe I wouldn't be so keen on losing you. As far as I'm concerned, you've been stalking me and peering into my life without my permission, just hoping I was ok with it. And once you started, you kept it up because you couldn't let go of me. And nothing I could drink or swallow or inhale has ever gotten you to stop." He sat up quickly.
"If you really wanted me to go, I would have been gone. You're the one who can't let go, Char."
"But..."
"Work on your paper." He stood and walked through the door - the one in midair. The one that I couldn't follow him through. He didn't even say goodbye.

Valentine's Day

Variations on sadness
Alone in a world of lovers
Love comes in sparse overtones
Eventually, I'll accept it.
Never will I forget it.
The reason I'm here
Is to make those who have feel better
Now they see someone
Even their best friend
Suffering from loneliness

Doesn't
Anyone else
Yearn for a better way to spend February 14th?

Two New Poems

Silence

Silence speaks

With words of the heart,

Being shoved through the eyes

And the arms

And the nose

And everything else you can't hear with.

A glance in passing

And a smile

Say a lot more

Than "I think you're very pretty,"

Or "I can't wait until we get to talk today."

Silence invokes words unspoken;

Makes you think you're listening

To something you haven't even heard,

And you're happy.

Silence speaks

With words of the mind,

Illustrated by the eyes

And the brain

And human nature

And everything else that makes you hope.

A glance in passing

And a smile

Can mean something else,

Like "I know you want to be more than just friends,"

Or "I'm just being nice to you, you know."

Silence invokes wishful thinking;

Makes you hope you're right

About something you may never even know,

And you're happy.

Lament

I cried as you held me,

"I'm tired! I'm tired!"

And you were tired too,

But still you held me,

Rocking slowly,

Like maybe you were in love.

I laughed as you danced with me,

"Faster! Faster!"

And we danced as fast as we could,

Even though there was no music,

Twisting wildly,

Like maybe we were crazy.

I waved as you left me,

"Come back! Come back!"

And you came back for one last kiss,

But you couldn't stay,

Walking slowly,

Like you knew it was goodbye.

I cried as I held you,

"I'm lonely! I'm lonely!"

And you were lonely too,

Even in my arms,

Rocking you slowly,

Like maybe you'd wake up.

-88-

it's not even worth coming to school.

bags
under your eyes
on your shoulders
hanging from your fingertips
rain
from the sky
and your eyes
and the teachers' mouths
a wish to dream
a dream of sleep
a sleep of eternity
anything but monday